In Taylor Swift’s song "Anti-Hero," from her 2022 album "Midnights," she sings lyrics that describe her willingness to become aware of personality patterns that cause her to have relationship issues. She sings, “It’s me. Hi, I’m the problem. It’s me.” She continues, “I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices and I end up in crisis.” As an Enneagram coach, these lyrics remind me of the purpose of enneagram work, which is to become self-aware of personality flaws so that a person can operate in a more balanced way in life. In the Enneagram world, these weaknesses are known as passions or vices.
According to the Enneagram, there are 9 personality types, each created from childhood defense mechanisms as a way of coping in the world. Although these strategic coping devices can come across as strengths, all strengths, when overdone, can develop into weaknesses. Part of the maturity process is to be able to recognize when a personality pattern is becoming a weakness that is no longer helpful, but instead is causing a person issues in life.
The Type 1 is known as a perfectionist and their weakness or vice is anger, which is fueled by things being different from their understanding of what's right. This narrow viewpoint can cause this type to have unrealistic expectations in relationships and be critical of those around them. To bring health to relationships, the Type 1 should release their need to be right and learn how to see things from other people's point of view.
The Type 2 is known as a helper, and their vice is pride, which can cause them to think that they know more about what people need than they do themselves, which causes them to overstep boundaries. To create healthier relationships, the Type 2 should work on setting boundaries and consciously honoring the boundaries of others.
The Type 3 is known as an achiever, and their vice of self-deceit can cause the them to focus primarily on accomplishing goals and achieving success rather than relating to and spending time with the important people in their life. To become more balanced, the Type 3 should work on creating a good work-life balance, practice being present in the moment, and listen when people share their feelings, then reciprocate in return.
The Type 4 is known as an individualist, and the vice of envy can cause them to focus more on what’s missing in the relationship rather than on what is present, and on their feelings instead of the facts. To bring health to relationships, the Type 4 should remind themselves of what is positive about the relationship and work toward thinking more objectively to help them consider the facts and not just their feelings.
The Type 5 is known as an observer, and the vice of avarice (the guarding of heart, time, and energy) can cause them to withdraw and detach when they feel relational expectations placed on them. To create healthier relationships, they should try to raise their awareness of what others feel and need and practice expressing their emotions in the present moment instead of withdrawing to think about the situation.
The Type 6 is known as a loyalist, and the vice of fear can cause them to be anxious and reactive when they are questioned or blamed and to project their anxieties onto others. To become more balanced, the Type 6 should learn to manage the real source of anxiety (the contradictory thoughts within themselves) and become aware of the distrust they feel towards others.
The Type 7 is known as an enthusiast, and the vice of gluttony (thirst for new stimulation) can cause them to be unwilling to slow down, talk about their feelings, and confront hard issues. To bring health to relationships, they should focus on listening to others without reframing any negative feedback and consider what they are feeling.
The Type 8 is known as a challenger, and the vice of lust (excessive energy and intensity) can cause them to exert control over situations and be unwilling to see how they can be hurtful to others. To create healthier relationships, they should allow others to take the lead sometimes by loosening their control of situations and practice being more vulnerable to let others know they matter.
The Type 9 is known as a peacemaker, and vice of sloth (disengagement) can cause them to not express their true desires and feelings, which can cause relationships to be shallow and also create conflict. To become more balanced, the Type 9 should work on voicing their wants and needs and practice being more direct and assertive.
Toward the end of Taylor's song, she sings, "I"ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror- it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero." Part of becoming self-aware is being willing to look in the mirror and see personality traits that are causing problems in your life instead of rationalizing behavior or blaming it on another person. Personal enneagram work is important for recognizing and addressing these vices, leading to more balanced and healthier relationships. By understanding and managing these personality patterns, you will be able to develop healthier interactions with others, creating deeper connections and reducing conflicts in your personal and professional life. The journey to self-awareness and growth is ongoing, but with intentional effort, it can lead to great improvements in your relationships and overall well-being.
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