As an enneagram facilitator, I always get asked if people are born with their personality type or if it is shaped by childhood experiences. While both theories hold some truth, many personality specialists agree that we are born with our personality and then interpret life based on our type's worldview. Once we realize that we often use outdated thinking patterns to navigate life, we can begin to let go of those that no longer serve us well. In this blog, I will refer to each Enneagram type's "lost childhood message," which is a message that a child desperately needed to hear but didn't receive. This message may or may not have been conveyed by their caregivers. I will also discuss the "interpreted childhood message," which is an unconscious message a child interprets based on the lost childhood message. Understanding these concepts can be useful in recognizing how they contribute to the formation of the inner critic for each type.
The Type 1, for one reason or another, didn't receive the childhood message "you are good" so they tried hard to be virtuous by strictly enforcing rules. As a result, they interpreted the message "it's not ok to make mistakes." These non-verbal messages helped to create an inner critic that believes that they are "good and ok if they do what is right." This mindset prevents them from fully relaxing and enjoying life. However, by embracing God's unconditional love for them- warts and all- they can let go of this rigid way of thinking, trust Him with all the imperfections, and begin to release their inner critic which will allow them to think more broadly, and be less harsh on themselves and others.
The lost childhood message for the Type 2 is "you are wanted and loved." This led them to believe the interpreted message, "it's not ok to have your own needs," which in turn developed an inner critic that only allows them to feel good if they are loved and accepted by others. This type of thinking causes Type 2's to express themselves in thoughtful ways to earn the love that they deeply desire. As long as they continue to believe this critic, they will struggle to show up as an equal person in relationships. By embracing the depth of God’s love for them, they can let go of the need for constant approval from others, become more authentic in their relationships, and learn to dismiss the inner critic's voice as outdated and untrue.
Type 3's lost childhood message is "you are loved for being yourself." This led them to believe that "it's not okay to have your own feelings and identity," which causes them to think they are not accepted as they are, apart from their accomplishments. These messages create an inner critic that believes "I am good and okay if others think I'm successful," since they feel they need to set aside their true self to become someone admired. Once Type 3s embrace their intrinsic worth as a child of God, they will realize they don’t need to prove anything to anyone to feel loved and validated and can dismiss the inner critic's thoughts of unworthiness when they arise.
For Type 4, the lost childhood message is "you are loved and seen for exactly who you are—special and unique." As a result, they came to believe that "it's not okay to be too functional or happy," leading them to turn inward to find their authentic self, hoping this would help them gain self-esteem. This created an inner critic that only allows them to feel good or okay if they are true to their inner self. As long as Type 4s believe these messages, they will struggle to embrace their many good qualities. However, by learning to trust in God's love and believe that they are uniquely created with a significant identity, they can let go of introspective thoughts and enjoy life more fully.
Type 5’s lost childhood message is "your needs are not a problem." Consequently, they interpreted the message "it's not okay to be too comfortable in the world," which caused them to seek security by retreating into a private space and focusing on facts rather than feelings. This creates an inner critic that believes they must master knowledge or understanding a particular subject to be okay. As long as Type 5s embrace these messages, they will struggle to fully engage in life. By trusting in God's unconditional love, they can rely on Him to replenish their energy and provide the resources they need, allowing them to release the inner critic's voice that urges them to disengage from others in favor of learning.
The lost childhood message for Type 6 is "you are safe and secure." This led them to believe "it's not okay to trust yourself," as they desired guidance and security but felt the world was a dangerous place, learning to predict what could go wrong. This created an inner critic that believes "I'm good or okay if I know what is expected of me." As long as the Type 6 believes these messages, they will struggle to feel safe in the present moment. However, by learning to trust in God's love for them, they can depend on Him for guidance and support, helping them to release the inner critic's questioning voice inside of their head.
Type 7's lost childhood message is "you will be taken care of." This led them to believe "it's not okay to depend on anyone for anything." As a result, Type 7s desired independence and sought distractions like fun activities to relieve their anxiety. This created an inner critic that believes "I'm good or okay if I get what I need." As long as they believe these messages, they will struggle to enjoy what they have in the present moment. However, by learning to trust in God to take care of their needs, the pent-up fear inside them will dissipate, and they will begin to feel satisfied, pushing the inner critic's voice away as it questions their contentment.
Type 8's lost childhood message is "you will not be betrayed." Consequently, they believed "it's not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone." Type 8s grew up believing the world is an aggressive place where only the strong survive. These messages created an inner critic that believes "I'm good and okay if I can impose my will and be strong and just." As long as they believe these messages, they will continue to have their guard up and try to control their environment to protect themselves. However, by learning that they can trust God to protect and care for them, they can release control, trust that He has their back, and calm the inner critic's demanding voice, allowing them to dismiss the desire to constantly step into situations in an assertive way.
The lost childhood message for Type 9 is "your presence matters." This led them to believe "it's not okay to assert yourself." Type 9s learned that the best way to maintain harmony in the family was to disappear and avoid causing trouble. This mentality created an inner critic that believes "I'm good and okay if everyone around me is good and okay." As long as they think this way, they will struggle to assert themselves as equal participants in the lives of others. However, by embracing their value and worth as God's beloved child, they will begin to believe that their presence matters, allowing them to show up in life more powerfully and dismiss their inner critic's insistence on sacrificing their opinions to maintain harmony.
Recognizing and understanding the lost and interpreted childhood messages that shape our Enneagram type is a step toward personal growth. These messages, and the inner critics they create, have influenced our behaviors and thought patterns for years. However, they no longer have to guide us. By embracing the truth of our intrinsic worth and trusting in God's unconditional love, we can release these outdated beliefs and live more authentic, fulfilling lives. Each Enneagram type has the potential to move beyond these inner critic's voices, allowing for a more balanced, peaceful, and self-compassionate existence.
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